.............i like being given a look....i.....just cause......life.....exist......can.....are......be.....its a thing to live...honestly, sometimes i cant even understand how im not constantly prostrate in the temple that is life....i should just bow down to existance.....i believe in no god....i believe in no higher force.....just the force of this...its not higher....its actually lower....it resides in the low places, it holds everything up...dictates from below....and yet doesnt dictate at all.....speaks not...yet says more than youll ever have time to hear.....id like to take existence at a glance...that would be a rush...see everything at once....it would rule.....but sadly being a person...being sentient...i can only be aware of that which i am aware of.....obviously leaving those things that i am not aware of...outside of my awareness......this is unfortunate....on the other hand it isnt....absolutely is not....thats the fun of being......and i like it

 
ok, i am finally updating this.....its been a while, though i know no one reads this...or no one had been reading it...so i guess i write this for an audience of one....

here goes. college so far has been good to me, i am understanding what im doing fairly well, and i am getting into the swing of things...i need to keep on top of my work, maybe even get ahead in a few of my classes, but by and far that is well within my abilities... (good old arrogance)...anyway yeah...im just kind of existing...the marching band is dissapointing, and i know that sounds stupid, but marching band means alot to me, it defines alot of who i am, or at least helped define who i am when i was growing up...i told a new friend of mine...(who by the way is one of the most fantastic and wonderful people i have ever encountered, and who i am priveleged in the highest to call my friend)... when we were discussing her home town being in another country, and therefore inherently superior to any american town or city that she may reside in... well my hometown isnt where i live either...even though until now i lived in mount prospect for the large majority of my life...my hometown is on the fifty yard line at the RCA dome....its on a practice field in the middle of nowhere in the midwest...its on a bus travelling on an interstate highway between prospect and the location of our next competition...thats where i grew up...thats where i really became who i am now, marching band showed me how to make something of myself, it allowed me that privelege, it allowed me to be a part of something...something that transcends time, and personhood....something magical....when i would finish a show...i felt like nothing could stop me...no drug has given me that ever...and certainly the marching band here cannot provide for me that feeling...i need to make the cavaliers...i need to practice 2 hours every day...i need to be as good at the tuba as i am at math, and science, and reading, and friendship......i need to believe that i can do these things....self confidence has never been a weak point of mine....in fact quite the opposite is true...many people find me to be full of myself, arrogant and callous...but i need to play like that....enough about my tuba playing though..these are things to resolve in the practice room, not on the internet...

ive met girls here...wonderful girls...lots of them.....but im afraid i may be losing my touch...im scared... too many times have i ended up with a new friend... and not that thats a bad thing...but im not looking for new friends...especially not friends that i once loved...those make for akward dealings... im looking for someone to share my life with, someone who inspires in my the most beautiful poetry my meager talent (if you can even call it talent) can muster... ive let christine weigh on my soul too long... it was like i had hit rock bottom, and here was this new hope that just caused me to swim up a hundred and eighty feet until i could feel myself breaking through the surface...then she left me, and i got the bends...and ive been sinking ever since.......... of course there have been occasional stops on the way down...pauses, even occasional bursts of strength...but right now, its time to regroup on the bottom, hold my breath, and just make slowly for the surface, allowing myself to decompress.... seriously...the world is sink or swim, and ive been chillin on the bottom for too long....shit....its time to really focus on something other than how damn much it hurts....fuck

so yeah....thats almost it, im doing ok, making new friends...missing my old friends...not missing my parents....missing allie...not missing home....but most of all, i miss marching, i miss love, and i miss having someone around who needs me......i feel so worthless, no one needs me anymore, not a single one of my friends absolutely needs me...i could not talk to anyone at all for a day, and no one would care....and while that is in a way a good thing...it is at the same time disheartening....i need to be needed....its all im good for, is helping my friends....thats it, helping people is what i do..that and march...damn..i suck, anyway, its about time to wrap this up, sorry natalia, this post sucks...but ill write more later....meow