I know my english has deficiencies...

 
ive done too much crying this year....what happened to me, i used to be a genuine hard ass, no crying ever... no feeling ever, except of course pain, no anger, no hate, no pity, no love, no happiness, no jealousy, i didnt even ever want things really, except to get high, and for my mom to shut the fuck up whenever she was bothering me (but hey who doesnt want that)...i dont know whats up with me... well i guess thats not true even a little, i know exactly what happened, i was nailed by a freight train that was 5'3" and weighed in about 100 pounds.... this girl who i could bench press two of completely changed my life... she just kind of came into my life in a whirlwind....and i loved her from the second i saw her... and then she left...and i still love her. AND IT FUCKING HURTS... now lets recap, i lived on only pain for a good seven years, shit i learned to love the stuff, but i dont like this pain one bit...not even a little, its a bitter unsatisfied depression that weighs on my soul and i just want it to fucking go away. i would do anything to get this girl back... ANYTHING but she wont have me, i doubt she ever missed me, im sure i was hardly more than a stop on the way to fulfilling what is bound to be an amazing destiny......i dont know...fuck it, im not good at this

 
a bar
a box
a cage
for me
to dwell in
when my luck wears thin
when i start to yearn within
when seasons change
but feelings dont
when faces lie
but eyes betray
when feelings judge
and emotons play

 
well....before i write anything i will say this...im a little bit drunk...not like fucked up not even three sheets to the wind...but i am definately not sober, at any rate what i wanted to accomplish was to write what i consider to be a fitting introduction to any journal...a kind of definition of self perception... so here it is... i am Nick Sierra, that might mean nothing now...but by the time im through in this earth i intend those words to carry a power like no other four words ever have. I intend to be the best person ever to live...im not sure what that means right now, but eventually i hope that it will take some kind of shape in my mind... its kind of wierd...whenever i think of it, and then i actually translate that from thought to any other medium, such as speech, or writing...that looks really wierd, basically i mean to succeed at the parts of life that other people around me falter at... i desire only meaningful relationships...whether it be family friends or intimate....i dont want any half way relationships...its actually been bothering me that many of the friendships i forged this year with people such as kyle jason and fil arent really thorough...their kind of just "hang out" friends...which is something i dont particularly want in my life, i want relationships that mean something....that really have substance, i want to be able to turn to any one of my friends in my times of need, not just to my one best friend...., Which brings me to another thing ive been thinking about lately... i was talking on the phone to my ex not too long ago, and she brought up an interesting point.....that i am everything that my friends need when life gets hard...but for some reason or another, i never need my friends when life gets hard...thats not true and i take serious offense to that remark... when i help my friends i feel a serious sense of gratification..i mean what good is knowing everything if no one ever asks you questions...come on.... shit, im not saying i know everything, but ive put alot of thought into considering most of the problems that any friendhship could encounter and i think i have pretty well figured out the right way to be a good friend, if not a damn good, excellent, or even superior friend...so in a way i dont need my friends because i could easily navigate my own life without any emotional support (note the benefits of being damaged as a child) its just that, i think that when i help someone it makes me feel a little bit more like all of the pain and horrible experiences i had to go through as a child were perhaps worth it just so that i could help whoever it is im helping at the time handle their life easier...anyway...that might be it..but im thinking that i might just bust out some poetry....anyway...this has been horribly rambling as im sure most of the contents of this journal will be...so if you read this, im sorry for being so damn scattered..but once again i am drunk, and still new at this whole journal thing

 
Im writing this as an introduction to something that very few people if any will ever read... its seems just the littlest bit presumptuous to me...but i hate the physical act of writing...so i think that perhaps typing will be much better... and i think it will be, cause i love unit like that...anyway...theres probably going to be some poetry on here later...and whatnot...even though there might be people reading this im not going to censor myself... cause that would be weak... anyway...just testing this hooker for right now....nuge